Moving on without an apology is tough. There’s so much grief in the process. It keeps you up at night making you wonder what you could have done to save your relationship. I often wonder whether it was me because of whom the relationship ended. I have been gaslighted once or twice because of which I started questioning myself. Maybe I wasn’t good enough after all? Maybe I was a disappointment because of which he decided to drift away.
I spent months pacing back and forth, feeling unworthy of love and affection. I spent months just to understand the fact that this wasn’t my fault. Anxiety doesn’t leave you a space for thinking logically. It’s like all your emotions go haywire. You don’t know whom to trust and you start questioning your very own existence. As you pass through the phase of this angsty chaos, you halt or drop into a bubble of depression. I wouldn’t call it depression because the word can be used in different contexts. To be more precise I was feeling helpless. The helplessness led to withdrawal from wanting to do anything exciting. I couldn’t accept the futility of the situation I was in. I couldn’t accept that even after giving my all to a person, he could leave.
I had a short period of ego boost thanks to my family and peers. For a short amount of time I felt I don’t need that toxicity in my life, I’m better off without him. This of course was helpful but that feeling of false empowerment didn’t last long because of two reasons. First, I didn’t process the grief of losing someone. When you’re attached to someone and he is taken away from you, the sudden withdrawal from that person gives you a shock. You don’t know what to do, you can’t understand and exactly process any of it. Ego boosts like shunning those thoughts away with alcohol or any form of coping mechanism doesn’t help because in the long run you haven’t processed those emotions of loss. You’ll find those emotions again when you start a new relationship with someone new. You’ll always be fearful about them leaving you and your fear will drive them away. The process would repeat itself. We are afraid as humans to dig deep into our emotions because understandably they are scary. Breakdowns are never fancy but they are necessary.
Second, I kept thinking he would come back. Instead of accepting the futility of the situation, I yearned for it to retrace back to its older path. I was hopeful about everything going back to normal. I couldn’t exactly see the depth of the situation. Relationships, especially the kind I had are like drugs. You get addicted to the comfort, to the validation the other person gives you. The very withdrawal of this validation gives you nightmares. But then even that hope left as time passed by. I felt like a fool. I couldn’t trust other’s intentions towards me because the person I thought I could trust the most betrayed me. I completely shut myself down again. I never got any apology. I never got an explanation. Everything was going great and one day I was completely left stranded. I tried asking for closure, explanations but I could never get a satisfactory answer out of him. That compelled me to believe that I’m an extremely forgettable human being. I mean a person could leave such a huge impact on you, on the other hand that person truly wants nothing to do with you. That says a lot about you than the person you’re dealing with right? It left me questioning why I was knocking on doors of homes I wasn’t invited to. Why I was so unsatisfied with myself? Why I was so afraid to deal with myself? Why I always tried to rely on someone else to feel content? I answered these questions one by one. Obviously, it differs from person to person depending on the way one thinks, traumas in the past etc. I got my answers through months and months of deep contemplation.
Slowly but surely I could finally start to feel okay with my own presence. It’s a slow process. You can’t expect someone who spent one’s lifetime hating herself to suddenly emerge out with a surfeit of self-love. It’s not possible. There’s no quick fix for this, but it does happen. You do get out of your misery. You start to appreciate yourself for all the times you have fought for yourself. I did too. I also came to conclusion that the break up was in no way my fault. I gave someone everything I had, loved him in all the ways one possibly could. Yes, I had my flaws. I was younger then and there were times I couldn’t understand the depth of his pain. But there was never a moment when I wished something bad for him. I thought I had his back. But then he suddenly drifted away and I’ll never know why. Maybe he had his issues and he wanted to deal with them alone. Maybe I wasn’t the right kind of person for him. Maybe he was full of shit. I don’t know. All I know is that it wasn’t my fault. I’m worthy of love. I’m worthy of a lot of things in life.
Moving on without an apology makes you go through a lot of anger for the person who left you. It tempts you to confront that person time and again but you get no answer. You tried your best. Now stop. Move on. Accept the futility and stop looking for answers you won’t get. Instead dive deep into yourself and look for parts that you need to heal. Block the person. Start a new life. Get a haircut. Just move on.